What a beautiful newsletter, Amar. Being single is one of those tender parts of my life, so tender and full of fragile and real feelings, so close to my little heart, I rarely write about it. It’s easier to write about things I’ve overcome, with a big arc into some sort of wisdom or life lesson. But my love life… this feeling that it’s not for me… that I don’t get to have the sweetness of a life partner. And the self-naming voice who believes I wasted my only chance by getting a divorce. My mother’s voice asking “other women got remarried straight away, why not you?”. There’s so much there.
Reading your essay, it felt like you were the voice (one of others, thanks for sharing the excepts from the other writers) that I can’t seem to find within myself just yet. You and those excerpt gave a voice to something I’m too ashamed, scared, sad to express.
Thank you for stopping by and being so generous in your response. I read so much yesterday across the internet it's all a bit mushy in my head but … was it you who wrote, "there is a fine line between sharing and oversharing and it is called self-care"?
I gasped 😂
Was this dilemma best sat with for a little longer? Had I aired too much laundry? To be honest, I'm old enough to not care about what people think, in terms of (snap) judgments. I've worked too hard to get to know myself.
Offering constructive criticism on writing? I'm more than receptive. Sharing lived experiences to help me unpack or see a blind spot? Let's get into it.
I can relate to the anxiety around this topic and 'going public'. The stigma. Feeling in the minority and being on a different track to others, a sense that you are falling behind somehow. It aggravates the problem.
We're shamed into silence, mostly by ourselves but also through the well-meaning but triggering words of those around us. I think my dad has given up on me when it comes to relationships. He's tired 😂
As for your situation, getting married straight away sounds like … not a good idea. And who says you wasted your only chance?
The trouble is, this latent anxiety turns us into a shadow of ourselves. I'd rather move with real honesty towards new possibilities and carry myself with the fullness of my being right now.
I think you already know this, but the best thing to do is take your time and examine these feelings. I had to start the conversation now.
As long as you're not turning away from your feelings, having conversations in private with people you trust and respect – even yourself through journaling and drafting, for example – more lucid thoughts will crystalise in their own time and evolve into something that compels you to release it into the world. I look forward to reading it 🙌🏾
Substack bestie 🥹 (thank you so much for the shout out)
This is a really beautiful post. Poignant, passionate, personal. I adore that poem about kindness. It really is the currency that never loses its value ❤️
Hi, Amar! This is the first post of yours that I’ve read, and it was really insightful, as you’re right… I think women often forget that men can feel that longing, as well.
Personally, I rushed into marriage at the stupidly-young age of 21 years old. And I have to say, I wish I’d waited longer, and learned more about relationships, first.
I’ve been married 25 years now, and my husband and I don’t share a lot of values, which makes things extremely difficult at times.
I don’t write this to negate anything you’ve said. Your feelings are fully valid. I simply think that, while the wait is hard and lonely and painful, it’s also a great thing to take your time and look for that person who really aligns with you on the important matters. (sorry… not trying to be “preachy”!)
Hi Jenn, nice to hear from you. Thanks for taking the time to read and sharing your perspective.
So many of us are still figuring out who we are at 21, never mind what we might like in a long-term partner. That is a long time to not see eye to eye but I hope you have at least one or two things you can enjoy together.
A useful reminder about not rushing. It makes sense ... in principle 😆 I think I’ve leant on patience quite hard for a number of years. I’m 45 now! Probably time to be a bit more proactive.
Always enjoy the breadth & depth of your posts, this one no exception. I was more or less single for about 12 years, my entire twenties & early thirties really, and I realised how being the single ‘good time girl’ friend became such a part of my identity (and a self fulfilling prophecy). That meant people started to think it was what I wanted so didn’t intro me onto other friends etc. I think there is something to be said about putting it out there into the world.
And clubs, 100%. In the end I met my partner through my friendship network, funnily enough, but doing the activities you love, trying new things & meeting new people can only bring about new energy & confidence. Also gives you something to talk about on dates!
Thanks for your support, Emma. And sharing your experience. Glad the friendship network came through for you.
Yes, I think there's quite a few people out there who are misread as voluntarily single or content in their freedom. Let's all get together and form a club 🤣
Thank you, Amar. Your writing is a gift. Lucid, warm, generous, informed. The Linford Christie piece i find particularly thought provoking. I must track down the documentary.
What a beautiful newsletter, Amar. Being single is one of those tender parts of my life, so tender and full of fragile and real feelings, so close to my little heart, I rarely write about it. It’s easier to write about things I’ve overcome, with a big arc into some sort of wisdom or life lesson. But my love life… this feeling that it’s not for me… that I don’t get to have the sweetness of a life partner. And the self-naming voice who believes I wasted my only chance by getting a divorce. My mother’s voice asking “other women got remarried straight away, why not you?”. There’s so much there.
Reading your essay, it felt like you were the voice (one of others, thanks for sharing the excepts from the other writers) that I can’t seem to find within myself just yet. You and those excerpt gave a voice to something I’m too ashamed, scared, sad to express.
Thank you. 😊
Thank you for stopping by and being so generous in your response. I read so much yesterday across the internet it's all a bit mushy in my head but … was it you who wrote, "there is a fine line between sharing and oversharing and it is called self-care"?
I gasped 😂
Was this dilemma best sat with for a little longer? Had I aired too much laundry? To be honest, I'm old enough to not care about what people think, in terms of (snap) judgments. I've worked too hard to get to know myself.
Offering constructive criticism on writing? I'm more than receptive. Sharing lived experiences to help me unpack or see a blind spot? Let's get into it.
I can relate to the anxiety around this topic and 'going public'. The stigma. Feeling in the minority and being on a different track to others, a sense that you are falling behind somehow. It aggravates the problem.
We're shamed into silence, mostly by ourselves but also through the well-meaning but triggering words of those around us. I think my dad has given up on me when it comes to relationships. He's tired 😂
As for your situation, getting married straight away sounds like … not a good idea. And who says you wasted your only chance?
The trouble is, this latent anxiety turns us into a shadow of ourselves. I'd rather move with real honesty towards new possibilities and carry myself with the fullness of my being right now.
I think you already know this, but the best thing to do is take your time and examine these feelings. I had to start the conversation now.
As long as you're not turning away from your feelings, having conversations in private with people you trust and respect – even yourself through journaling and drafting, for example – more lucid thoughts will crystalise in their own time and evolve into something that compels you to release it into the world. I look forward to reading it 🙌🏾
Substack bestie 🥹 (thank you so much for the shout out)
This is a really beautiful post. Poignant, passionate, personal. I adore that poem about kindness. It really is the currency that never loses its value ❤️
🙏🏾 I've got to flex. Switch lanes.
Hi, Amar! This is the first post of yours that I’ve read, and it was really insightful, as you’re right… I think women often forget that men can feel that longing, as well.
Personally, I rushed into marriage at the stupidly-young age of 21 years old. And I have to say, I wish I’d waited longer, and learned more about relationships, first.
I’ve been married 25 years now, and my husband and I don’t share a lot of values, which makes things extremely difficult at times.
I don’t write this to negate anything you’ve said. Your feelings are fully valid. I simply think that, while the wait is hard and lonely and painful, it’s also a great thing to take your time and look for that person who really aligns with you on the important matters. (sorry… not trying to be “preachy”!)
Hi Jenn, nice to hear from you. Thanks for taking the time to read and sharing your perspective.
So many of us are still figuring out who we are at 21, never mind what we might like in a long-term partner. That is a long time to not see eye to eye but I hope you have at least one or two things you can enjoy together.
A useful reminder about not rushing. It makes sense ... in principle 😆 I think I’ve leant on patience quite hard for a number of years. I’m 45 now! Probably time to be a bit more proactive.
Always enjoy the breadth & depth of your posts, this one no exception. I was more or less single for about 12 years, my entire twenties & early thirties really, and I realised how being the single ‘good time girl’ friend became such a part of my identity (and a self fulfilling prophecy). That meant people started to think it was what I wanted so didn’t intro me onto other friends etc. I think there is something to be said about putting it out there into the world.
And clubs, 100%. In the end I met my partner through my friendship network, funnily enough, but doing the activities you love, trying new things & meeting new people can only bring about new energy & confidence. Also gives you something to talk about on dates!
Thanks for your support, Emma. And sharing your experience. Glad the friendship network came through for you.
Yes, I think there's quite a few people out there who are misread as voluntarily single or content in their freedom. Let's all get together and form a club 🤣
Thank you, Amar. Your writing is a gift. Lucid, warm, generous, informed. The Linford Christie piece i find particularly thought provoking. I must track down the documentary.
Appreciate you, Stef. I need your words on here.
p.s. very exciting re Sunday snogs!!! Love this for you.