Raisingmyles.substack.com is setting the standard for tender and wise reflections on fatherhood. @MarcTypo has really found his voice and format. He also keeps a formidable list of other black writers called The Cookout Library.
But when it comes to thoughts on dating, manhood and finding companionship, we are underserved – by ourselves. So much so that, in the UK, Caitlin Moran felt compelled to step up with What About Men? And not to her credit judging by some of the feedback I have read.
First off, great cover photo. Adaptation is one of my favourites!
Second, my guess is that truly honest essays by guys, especially straight guys, would be met with great hostility by a reader audience that, at least currently, tends to be more female than male. You mentioned Matt Haig in one of your response comments, and not being too familiar with him, I googled "Matt Haig masculinity" and one of the first hits was about how he got "crucified" in 2015 for wanting to write a book about masculinity: https://www.theguardian.com/books/2015/jun/15/matt-haig-crucified-on-twitter-for-planning-book-about-masculinity
And I'm not talking about essays penned by extreme manosphere type guys who are obviously reproachable. What about pieces from everyday type of guys on their honest thoughts about a contentious and complicated topic like dating, where it isn't often easy to tell who's right or wrong, and it's all about building narratives and whose point of view you hear from? A man might not be wrong, but that also doesn't mean women want to hear from him, unless he either softens what he says or just panders. Of course, then that just makes for boring or dishonest writing.
I like what Alex Perez said about masculine writing, that it doesn't have to automatically be anti-feminist or anti-women, but it also can't be concerned with being judged by women (especially the type of metropolitan progressive women in publishing circles).
Good observation about the audience, Chris. I must say, even among my writer friends, I don't see too much discussion about personal essays of this nature, whether written by men or not. They might share stories or reports but less of this.
I've always been more out on my own in that sense – willing to reflect on my feelings and try to understand them as man and boy. Aiming for nuance and a degree of sensitivity.
I can't be alone there in the professional world. Perhaps we all need to encourage one another a little more, then we become a bigger part of the audience. But you're right – the best writing will take bravery.
I did a quick search for Alex and I like where he's coming from on this. "There's a sweet spot as a male writer in which you're vulnerable but not self-loathing. No need to be a fake tough guy afraid of vulnerability or a self-loathing loser who rejects his masculinity. The discourse will try to force you into this framing, but you can reject it. The fake tough guy who hates everything is boring and lacks nuance. The self-loathing loser is boring and lacks nuance. Awful shticks that produce predictable writing."
Amar, this is one of my favourite posts yet! YES TO MORE MALE-MAIL. Give it to me.
'Do you want to date them or mark them' is just, perfection.
Also my pal James, wrote honestly about the male dating app experience here (https://jamesfullbrook.substack.com/p/unhinged). I found it so refreshing to hear these gripes from the opposite sex in such a candid, comedic voice. David Sedaris is another male writer who I think does this honest, vulnerable personal male storytelling well in his books.
What you point out is interesting though. In the publishing world, it's very common for women to write a memoir or a non-fiction book on one specific aspect of their life (dating/fertility/this terrible thing that happened once) and but for men, and this is generalising, but broadly it seems like usually this only takes form as a full life story/autobiography. You raise such a valid question here to us all.
Very evocative of the times through what you were listening to and feeling. I like the concept, Dan. Tying music and memoir together by the year. I'll read more.
TTD – what a legend. I played that debut album a lot.
Kelly Services also brought back a few memories also. We had one in Brighton, England, where I grew up. A couple of us went there to find temp admin work after uni. No luck so I did telesales. Rights of passage :)
Wow. Youre so right. I would have loved to read more personal essays by men! The only one I could think of is coming across a memoir about friendship, but I cannot for the life of me remember what it is. I shall report back!
Hey Tika, been too long. Thanks for stopping by. You're right, friendship is safer ground. You've got me wondering now, which male author has explored relationships in an honest and nuanced way in their memoir? 🤔 I'll do some research.
Thanks Christian. I am curious, I promise. That's the problem - too much to read, watch, listen to. Feel free to point me in the right direction, DM or whatever. Always interested in reading your thoughts.
Cheers. My comment sounded far more smug than intended. But in my own weekly dispatch, which is an eclectic mix, I find it easier to seed personal/emotional reflection over a time.
It takes something like a death in the family for me to dig deep and share the things that have me crying as I type.
Not wanting to polarise or stereotype, I do wonder if women have been more socialised from a young age to become more introspective and able to share emotionally. But I can’t help think things are more complex than that.
"Seed" – that's a nice way to put it. I think that's what I am trying to do with my writing. To bring some of that introspection in memoir and personal essays to arts and culture journalism.
There's a stat in the piece – 44 per cent of British men felt that society told them real men don’t talk about their problems. There survey was small (3,000) but that upsets me. In 2024? With all the stories out there and a plurality of perspectives on different platforms?
I don't know too many people – men or women and everyone in between – who have managed to resolve their personal problems on their own.
Well said. We have a thing over here in the UK called Mens Sheds https://menssheds.org.uk it's a ‘grassroots’ community that started in Australia and spread around the world. You can find it in the US as well.
It's about lots of things but the aim is to get men talking and sharing with one another in a 'safe space'. In my opinion face to face is a far more wholesome place to open your heart. And that is the key. That is what's missing here.
I do not feel that the social web we have built is at all 'safe' for opening up in this way. It's hard to commit to connecting and sharing online when you're always aware of the data hungry corporations, waiting in the shadows to harvest, analyse and monetise our innermost thoughts. Whose primary goal is profit, not our wellbeing.
Perhaps that is why we are moving more to the backchannels. Or to open source, decentralised places that choose to opt out of the old models of surveillance capitalism.
If I feel the urge to open up more on Documentally.net I do it in audio and drop it behind the paywall. For all I know the bots are already in their feeding off my emotions and sentiment. But for now it feels like a halfway house between online and meatspace.
Sound reasoning. Face to face is definitely where's it's at if two people are going to understand each other and listen to one another. It could be a sports team, a writers' group, running club…
Chuffed to read this, thank u ☺️
Dan, above, also recommended Sedaris. 📝
I will check out James’ work.
Of course, you also have guys like Matt Haig writing about depression and mental health in a commendable way in his books.
Several astute writers on here discuss issues around masculinity. Many of them are from the black community who I feel are more advanced in confronting this topic. I was reading https://substack.com/@alexlewis the other day. This essay is v good: https://www.feelslikehome.site/p/as-a-man-why-are-you-free
Raisingmyles.substack.com is setting the standard for tender and wise reflections on fatherhood. @MarcTypo has really found his voice and format. He also keeps a formidable list of other black writers called The Cookout Library.
But when it comes to thoughts on dating, manhood and finding companionship, we are underserved – by ourselves. So much so that, in the UK, Caitlin Moran felt compelled to step up with What About Men? And not to her credit judging by some of the feedback I have read.
First off, great cover photo. Adaptation is one of my favourites!
Second, my guess is that truly honest essays by guys, especially straight guys, would be met with great hostility by a reader audience that, at least currently, tends to be more female than male. You mentioned Matt Haig in one of your response comments, and not being too familiar with him, I googled "Matt Haig masculinity" and one of the first hits was about how he got "crucified" in 2015 for wanting to write a book about masculinity: https://www.theguardian.com/books/2015/jun/15/matt-haig-crucified-on-twitter-for-planning-book-about-masculinity
And I'm not talking about essays penned by extreme manosphere type guys who are obviously reproachable. What about pieces from everyday type of guys on their honest thoughts about a contentious and complicated topic like dating, where it isn't often easy to tell who's right or wrong, and it's all about building narratives and whose point of view you hear from? A man might not be wrong, but that also doesn't mean women want to hear from him, unless he either softens what he says or just panders. Of course, then that just makes for boring or dishonest writing.
I like what Alex Perez said about masculine writing, that it doesn't have to automatically be anti-feminist or anti-women, but it also can't be concerned with being judged by women (especially the type of metropolitan progressive women in publishing circles).
Good observation about the audience, Chris. I must say, even among my writer friends, I don't see too much discussion about personal essays of this nature, whether written by men or not. They might share stories or reports but less of this.
I've always been more out on my own in that sense – willing to reflect on my feelings and try to understand them as man and boy. Aiming for nuance and a degree of sensitivity.
I can't be alone there in the professional world. Perhaps we all need to encourage one another a little more, then we become a bigger part of the audience. But you're right – the best writing will take bravery.
I did a quick search for Alex and I like where he's coming from on this. "There's a sweet spot as a male writer in which you're vulnerable but not self-loathing. No need to be a fake tough guy afraid of vulnerability or a self-loathing loser who rejects his masculinity. The discourse will try to force you into this framing, but you can reject it. The fake tough guy who hates everything is boring and lacks nuance. The self-loathing loser is boring and lacks nuance. Awful shticks that produce predictable writing."
So nuance, yeah.
PS Adaptation is due another viewing.
Amar, this is one of my favourite posts yet! YES TO MORE MALE-MAIL. Give it to me.
'Do you want to date them or mark them' is just, perfection.
Also my pal James, wrote honestly about the male dating app experience here (https://jamesfullbrook.substack.com/p/unhinged). I found it so refreshing to hear these gripes from the opposite sex in such a candid, comedic voice. David Sedaris is another male writer who I think does this honest, vulnerable personal male storytelling well in his books.
What you point out is interesting though. In the publishing world, it's very common for women to write a memoir or a non-fiction book on one specific aspect of their life (dating/fertility/this terrible thing that happened once) and but for men, and this is generalising, but broadly it seems like usually this only takes form as a full life story/autobiography. You raise such a valid question here to us all.
I've always liked the essay writing and humor of David Sedaris. Is it as personal as what you might be asking about? I'm not sure sure as he does create fictional situations too. I do love autobiographies too. I am going to plug the work I am doing with my own personal memoir which is focused on how music has traveled with me throughout each year of my life. https://open.substack.com/pub/danpal/p/a-top-ten-memoir-1988-now-that-the?r=lru5s&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web&showWelcomeOnShare=true
Very evocative of the times through what you were listening to and feeling. I like the concept, Dan. Tying music and memoir together by the year. I'll read more.
TTD – what a legend. I played that debut album a lot.
Kelly Services also brought back a few memories also. We had one in Brighton, England, where I grew up. A couple of us went there to find temp admin work after uni. No luck so I did telesales. Rights of passage :)
Wow. Youre so right. I would have loved to read more personal essays by men! The only one I could think of is coming across a memoir about friendship, but I cannot for the life of me remember what it is. I shall report back!
Hey Tika, been too long. Thanks for stopping by. You're right, friendship is safer ground. You've got me wondering now, which male author has explored relationships in an honest and nuanced way in their memoir? 🤔 I'll do some research.
Loved!
Great post. I appreciate you taking the time to write this. It is out there you just have to dig a little deeper.
I’m not going to plug my stuff. The curious find it eventually. ;-)
Thanks Christian. I am curious, I promise. That's the problem - too much to read, watch, listen to. Feel free to point me in the right direction, DM or whatever. Always interested in reading your thoughts.
Cheers. My comment sounded far more smug than intended. But in my own weekly dispatch, which is an eclectic mix, I find it easier to seed personal/emotional reflection over a time.
It takes something like a death in the family for me to dig deep and share the things that have me crying as I type.
Not wanting to polarise or stereotype, I do wonder if women have been more socialised from a young age to become more introspective and able to share emotionally. But I can’t help think things are more complex than that.
Thanks again for these thoughts.
"Seed" – that's a nice way to put it. I think that's what I am trying to do with my writing. To bring some of that introspection in memoir and personal essays to arts and culture journalism.
There's a stat in the piece – 44 per cent of British men felt that society told them real men don’t talk about their problems. There survey was small (3,000) but that upsets me. In 2024? With all the stories out there and a plurality of perspectives on different platforms?
I don't know too many people – men or women and everyone in between – who have managed to resolve their personal problems on their own.
Lots of work to be done. The earlier, the better.
Well said. We have a thing over here in the UK called Mens Sheds https://menssheds.org.uk it's a ‘grassroots’ community that started in Australia and spread around the world. You can find it in the US as well.
It's about lots of things but the aim is to get men talking and sharing with one another in a 'safe space'. In my opinion face to face is a far more wholesome place to open your heart. And that is the key. That is what's missing here.
I do not feel that the social web we have built is at all 'safe' for opening up in this way. It's hard to commit to connecting and sharing online when you're always aware of the data hungry corporations, waiting in the shadows to harvest, analyse and monetise our innermost thoughts. Whose primary goal is profit, not our wellbeing.
Perhaps that is why we are moving more to the backchannels. Or to open source, decentralised places that choose to opt out of the old models of surveillance capitalism.
If I feel the urge to open up more on Documentally.net I do it in audio and drop it behind the paywall. For all I know the bots are already in their feeding off my emotions and sentiment. But for now it feels like a halfway house between online and meatspace.
Sound reasoning. Face to face is definitely where's it's at if two people are going to understand each other and listen to one another. It could be a sports team, a writers' group, running club…